At age 46, I sometimes feel as if I am gearing up for the senior citizen lifestyle. After all, there are some days when my mailbox is holding a “Come Visit Our New Senior Care Facility” invitation with my name in bold letters on the front. I frequently ask myself just how 46 became the new 96, and I cannot figure it all out.
The reason for my confusion rests mainly in one woman, my grandmother. At age 105, one could reasonably assume she is resting comfortably in a secluded nursing home, wheel-chair bound, and staring blankly at a fuzzy television set. Amidst mental confusion, she might ask a nursing attendant if Truman won or if she could give the gal a dime to go get a loaf of bread. However, this 105-year-old woman is here to show how 105 is the new 55!
Since my grandmother, Kora, turned 100 years of age, I have toyed with the idea of writing a book about her incredible life. During my research over the past few years, it has become increasingly evident that she is unlike any other so-called “mature” individual. I would like to highlight how ANYONE can act like a 105-year-old and look forward to an even richer life.
1.) At your 100th birthday party, be sure to come out in a bathrobe in front of everyone and start to do a striptease. Sexily sway your hips back and forth and slowly reveal your stunning 40-year-old bathing suit. Let the act immediately stop there, grab a Margarita, and head for the nearest hot tub.
2.) When you get your photo taken in honor of your 100th birthday, examine the proofs and tell the photographer that you think your face looks too wrinkled. When the photographer assures you that he can airbrush those out for just $100.00 more, tell the photographer to just photograph you from a little further away for free. Thus, the wrinkles are far less visible, and you have saved yourself $100.00!
3.) When you are 102 years of age and on vacation in Colorado, take a spin on a Harley. When someone offers you assistance on getting on the hog, slap his hand and proclaim, “I can do this myself!”
4.) When you catch your 46-year-old granddaughter working on the computer, ask her about those Internet porn sites. Then see how you respond when she says, “Gee, Grandma….looks like I have found your profile here!”
5.) When you are on a Caribbean cruise to celebrate yet ANOTHER birthday, grab your granddaughter’s new husband and take him up to the topless deck. After all, you want to see if anything has changed from that standpoint since the early 1900s!
6.) When it is time to go out to dinner, head to the nearest buffet-style restaurant. Rush immediately to the buffet to see if the food is anything to your liking. Sample a few things here and there by simply reaching into the dishes with your hands. After several samples and several long minutes, decide you would be better served if you headed across the street to McDonald’s, where the coffee is free for seniors!
7.) When the nation elects a new President, get nervous, call your daughter-in-law, and lament relentlessly about how worried you are about your financial future.
8.) Ask your grandkids if you are in their wills!
9.) Gross out the great-grandkids who reach into your purse for a mint and find two baggies side-by-side. Tell them one bag holds your leftovers from that meal at McDonald’s and that the other baggie holds your stool sample for your doctor. The mints will remain in your purse untouched from there on out.
10.) Decide that, at 105 years of age, you want to pack up and move….start over, as you are getting rather bored in your current location.
These are just a few handy reminders of how to act like a 105-year-old woman. What will she do at 106?